Sitting on the Bed

To continue with my last post - "Beside the Bed" - We as those who care for the hurting, have the rare privilege of entering one's grief with them.  Though we cannot 'feel what they feel,' we do have the opportunity to empathize (to walk in their shoes) with them.

Back to the example of my Mother during her last days with us, I remember one afternoon I had gone to sit by her bed in the hospital.  She said,...”I’m so miserable; I just feel terrible.”  I responded too quickly, too easily,“I know, Mom.”  Then, not knowing what else to say or how to “handle” her pain, I rapidly changed the subject.  I didn’t “know” at all; I didn’t understand or empathize with her.  I failed to get into her grief with her. 

How do you sit on the bed of the dying? Spending time with the dying can cause you to grapple with your own mortality - allow yourself to grapple. 

There isn’t a magic formula for bedside care to the dying; however, there are things that can be more helpful than others:

          . Silence is precious; guard your words carefully.

          . Pay attention to whose needs you are meeting - yours or the dying.  Are you uncomfortable with their pain (physical or emotional), with their thoughts, with their anger, with their questioning?  Perhaps the discomfort comes in trying to 'fix it' - whatever that may be.

          . Allow the dying person to set the tone - let your demeanor match theirs, while at the same time being loving and pleasant.  In other words, there are certain behaviors that can be irritating, i.e., humor,  incessant talking, etc.

          . While there may be many people in and out of the room, there needs to be one ‘point person’ who can be the advocate for the patient, guard them from conversation that is too loud, too many people around the bed at once, etc.

          . Be sensitive to the dying person’s desire for prayer, Bible reading.

          . Be the one bold enough to gently ask if they are afraid.  (I had an experience where I asked the dying patient if she was afraid.  This was an important question for that person to be able to respond to, and yet it was too difficult for family members to ask.  She nodded that she was in fact afraid and did indeed want to have me share Scripture with her.  It was wonderful to be able to read to her from the Psalms.  The very familiar Psalm 23...”Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow death, I will fear no evil.” brings tremendous comfort.)

          . The dying person needs to be able to express their feelings.         

          . Take time to acknowledge and process your own grief.

          . Remember that grief is a process and cannot be short-circuited.

Psalm 23 - "..Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Beside the Bed....

This is the first of more than one installment (not sure yet how many) walking beside the dying.

Being able to journey alongside someone as they step from this world into the next is a privilege equal to  being present as a  child is born into this world.  Since I believe that every breath we take is literally a gift from God, then these two dramatic events are closely tied to each other.  Both offer to the person a new beginning- one in this world....the other in the next. 

My first experience beside “the bed” paralleled those of many others before and after me.  My mother had been given a diagnosis two years before of lymphoma and had undergone recommended treatments of radiation and chemotherapy.  In retrospect I believe she knew from the beginning her prognosis, but like so many other families, this was not something my family knew how to deal with.  My father told us after her death that he would not admit that she was dying until she was gone; and as a result, he did not want any of us to acknowledge or discuss that possibility. Consequently, we  as a family certainly did not have any conversation within Mother’s hearing that would indicate that we knew that she was going to die. While this indecisive, passive ‘plan of action’ seemingly helped us as siblings and spouse deal with her illness, it did nothing to prepare her or us for her death. 

The dying person needs to be able to talk about their impending death.  Most often they know - they know more than those around recognize, and they need to be heard, to be talked with (not talked at), and to be understood.  People who are dying have a right and a need to be treated with respect and dignity.

Families who have advance 'warning' of their loved one's impending death struggle with the false alarms, with the roller coaster of emotions, with the fact that their loved one does not die when they are ‘geared up’ for the pain and finality of death, and then with the guilt that comes from  entertaining such a thought as wishing that the end would come quickly.  The roller coaster of death is very often part of the process for the family and friends of the dying.

It’s amazing how many people think that in order to make a visit to one who is dying you have to have just the perfect thing to say.  If you don’t have that ‘magic’ word, the assumption is that you don’t dare make the visit!  The person who is dying needs to be loved, and listened to (when they feel up to talking) and they need to have the option of choosing those who surround their bed.  The chosen circle becomes smaller as death approaches.  A person who is dying needs to have the comfort of family and friends who are willing to just “be” with them - who don't try to make everything allright; the dying person knows that everything is not allright.  For the Christian, of course, in the eternal view everything will be more than all right but for now, going through the process of dying may be just plain hard work.

God is the God over life and death, and can choose to extend life as He sees fit.  In the Old Testament he granted Hezekiah’s request for healing and an extension of his life, and gave him fifteen more years on this earth.  However, letting ‘God be God’ requires release and submission on our part to His will for our lives.  He loves us perfectly and knows what is the very best for us.  Psalm 139 tells us that God is the one who numbers our days. 

Stuck in the Process

A couple of readers have asked, following my last blog - "How Long is Too Long to Grieve?: - what can we do to help someone who is struggling and stuck in their own bitterness or unforgiveness, thus, not moving along in their journey of grief?

Have you ever been literally stuck in the mud?  You have driven perilously close to a field filled with mud, thinking you could surely make it through with no problem, and your wheels sink down.  You accelerate and are left with spinning wheels.  How helpful it may be to have someone come along, tie a tow rope onto your bumper and with their own vehicle pull your car out of the mud; however, you may not yet be convinced that you need their help or their tow rope.   

Let's go with this image as we think of helping the one who is stuck in their pain.  You may be the 'come alongside person' who sees their struggle, hears their need and reaches out.  Recognize, however, that the one whose wheels are spinning may not yet be ready or able to ask for or accept your help or your tow rope.  They may not realize they are stuck or if they do, they may not want your help.  Be careful to be kind, gentle, non-invasive and offer your help rather than assume or insist on being the rescuer.

Everyone needs to tell their story and re-tell their story.  If you are the listener, whose feet are on solid ground and do not get sucked into their mud-hole, you may be used by God as a gentle tow rope in their journey of healing and forgiveness.  To help them they need to understand that you are available, you know and you care (The ABC's of caring - who you are; that you know; and that you care!)

The person on the grief journey, identified above, may be you!  Understand that God puts us in life together and wants us to "bear one another's burdens."  If you are the wounded, allow others into your life who can come alongside, listen and care.

How Long is Too Long to Grieve?

Is there some magic amount of time to grieve - a death, the break up of a relationship, the break up of a family, loss of a job, financial downturns, loss of a pet? - you get the idea.  I'm talking about grief and loss, hurting, struggling, pain, sadness, anger.  How long does it take to 'get over' someone or something?  Would it be helpful for you to know that "grief takes as long as it takes?"  I often have people ask me what is a normal time to grieve this.....???  And I tell them what I just told you...there is not a formula for grieving.  Certainly there is experience and  there are coping skills, but I always get concerned when I hear someone say, 'well, when you lose a spouse, it usually takes ____ years!  I'm wondering - 'how do they know that?' 

The length of the grieving process is as variable as the number of people who experience loss and the number of losses one has experienced.  It often depends on the nature of the loss, whether or not someone is experiencing multiple losses, the willingness of those grieving to do their 'grief work,' and the willingness of family members and friends to give each other permission to grieve and to accept that there are no shortcuts to the process of grief.

In the past, some would say that the griever must keep a 'stiff upper lip.'  Part of the Christian message is that we certainly grieve, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope.  Grief does not express a lack of faith in God; instead it can lead us to a deeper understanding of our faith, our need for God, and His promise that He will be with us in the midst of our pain and grief - that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Remember, grief takes as long as it takes - as you embark upon your own journey of grief, remember that God wants to comfort you during the process!

When You Care for Me, I'd Like for you to Remember ...Thoughts on Aging

Caring Ministry Helps....

Recognize that my steps are slower and my mind and body may be frail...

Remember that I may not hear as well as I used to.  If I ask you to repeat something you said, I will appreciate your patience.

My eyesight may be failing.  I may enjoy having you read to me.

My shaky hands may cause me to spill my coffee.  I appreciate your help, but please protect my dignity.

I appreciate visits, calls,  cards, knowing that you haven't forgotten me.

Sometimes I repeat myself - thanks for not calling it to my attention.

I love to tell you about my past, if you'll just listen.

I have things to offer you - I appreciate your remembering that and showing me respect.  "Then they (the older women) can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind...so that no one will malign the Word of God." 

(Titus 2:4-5)

I appreciate when you realize that I have burdens, and you ask me what they are and offer to pray with me and for me.

It would be my great joy if my husband and my children would arise and call me blessed! (Proverbs 31) 

Read more....in "Helping Those Who Hurt: A Handbook for Caring and Crisis"