Sitting on the Bed

To continue with my last post - "Beside the Bed" - We as those who care for the hurting, have the rare privilege of entering one's grief with them.  Though we cannot 'feel what they feel,' we do have the opportunity to empathize (to walk in their shoes) with them.

Back to the example of my Mother during her last days with us, I remember one afternoon I had gone to sit by her bed in the hospital.  She said,...”I’m so miserable; I just feel terrible.”  I responded too quickly, too easily,“I know, Mom.”  Then, not knowing what else to say or how to “handle” her pain, I rapidly changed the subject.  I didn’t “know” at all; I didn’t understand or empathize with her.  I failed to get into her grief with her. 

How do you sit on the bed of the dying? Spending time with the dying can cause you to grapple with your own mortality - allow yourself to grapple. 

There isn’t a magic formula for bedside care to the dying; however, there are things that can be more helpful than others:

          . Silence is precious; guard your words carefully.

          . Pay attention to whose needs you are meeting - yours or the dying.  Are you uncomfortable with their pain (physical or emotional), with their thoughts, with their anger, with their questioning?  Perhaps the discomfort comes in trying to 'fix it' - whatever that may be.

          . Allow the dying person to set the tone - let your demeanor match theirs, while at the same time being loving and pleasant.  In other words, there are certain behaviors that can be irritating, i.e., humor,  incessant talking, etc.

          . While there may be many people in and out of the room, there needs to be one ‘point person’ who can be the advocate for the patient, guard them from conversation that is too loud, too many people around the bed at once, etc.

          . Be sensitive to the dying person’s desire for prayer, Bible reading.

          . Be the one bold enough to gently ask if they are afraid.  (I had an experience where I asked the dying patient if she was afraid.  This was an important question for that person to be able to respond to, and yet it was too difficult for family members to ask.  She nodded that she was in fact afraid and did indeed want to have me share Scripture with her.  It was wonderful to be able to read to her from the Psalms.  The very familiar Psalm 23...”Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow death, I will fear no evil.” brings tremendous comfort.)

          . The dying person needs to be able to express their feelings.         

          . Take time to acknowledge and process your own grief.

          . Remember that grief is a process and cannot be short-circuited.

Psalm 23 - "..Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Comments

[Rusty Sherwood]

Barb -

I so appreciate your advice to listen and not fix, to honor their tone and ask the simple question..."are you afraid?". We are so programmed by this world to take a painful situation and attempt to make it better, when instead we're to act as a vessel of our Lord by simply bringing comfort through a soft touch, gentle voice and scripture reading. What's truly needed at these times is His soft voice, not ours!

[Mike Cooke]

Barb -- asking the dying person about their fears was a new insight for me. It made me realize how easy it is to fall into trite attitudes -- believers should not fear death, etc. -- and how that can lead to avoiding an issue that may need to be out on the table. Scripture identifies death is as the last enemy that God ultimately defeats and it is not crazy to fear an enemy.