Beside the Bed....
Barb Roberts | Monday, August 23, 2010 at 3:01PM This is the first of more than one installment (not sure yet how many) walking beside the dying.
Being able to journey alongside someone as they step from this world into the next is a privilege equal to being present as a child is born into this world. Since I believe that every breath we take is literally a gift from God, then these two dramatic events are closely tied to each other. Both offer to the person a new beginning- one in this world....the other in the next.
My first experience beside “the bed” paralleled those of many others before and after me. My mother had been given a diagnosis two years before of lymphoma and had undergone recommended treatments of radiation and chemotherapy. In retrospect I believe she knew from the beginning her prognosis, but like so many other families, this was not something my family knew how to deal with. My father told us after her death that he would not admit that she was dying until she was gone; and as a result, he did not want any of us to acknowledge or discuss that possibility. Consequently, we as a family certainly did not have any conversation within Mother’s hearing that would indicate that we knew that she was going to die. While this indecisive, passive ‘plan of action’ seemingly helped us as siblings and spouse deal with her illness, it did nothing to prepare her or us for her death.
The dying person needs to be able to talk about their impending death. Most often they know - they know more than those around recognize, and they need to be heard, to be talked with (not talked at), and to be understood. People who are dying have a right and a need to be treated with respect and dignity.
Families who have advance 'warning' of their loved one's impending death struggle with the false alarms, with the roller coaster of emotions, with the fact that their loved one does not die when they are ‘geared up’ for the pain and finality of death, and then with the guilt that comes from entertaining such a thought as wishing that the end would come quickly. The roller coaster of death is very often part of the process for the family and friends of the dying.
It’s amazing how many people think that in order to make a visit to one who is dying you have to have just the perfect thing to say. If you don’t have that ‘magic’ word, the assumption is that you don’t dare make the visit! The person who is dying needs to be loved, and listened to (when they feel up to talking) and they need to have the option of choosing those who surround their bed. The chosen circle becomes smaller as death approaches. A person who is dying needs to have the comfort of family and friends who are willing to just “be” with them - who don't try to make everything allright; the dying person knows that everything is not allright. For the Christian, of course, in the eternal view everything will be more than all right but for now, going through the process of dying may be just plain hard work.
God is the God over life and death, and can choose to extend life as He sees fit. In the Old Testament he granted Hezekiah’s request for healing and an extension of his life, and gave him fifteen more years on this earth. However, letting ‘God be God’ requires release and submission on our part to His will for our lives. He loves us perfectly and knows what is the very best for us. Psalm 139 tells us that God is the one who numbers our days.
Reader Comments (3)
Thanks, Barb. I can identify with so much of this having gone through the process with my mom in the not too distant past. I'm going to pass this on to my sister who has continued to work through the grief of losing our 85 year old mother.
Yes, thanks Barb. Both of my grandparents are in this stage. It is so difficult not to "plan the right things to say" when we visit them. This helps me to remember that just talking with them is the better thing. Even just "how are you doing right now?" can be a powerful opener. Thanks for your thoughts, looking forward to the next installment.
Barb,
This is excellent advice. I find it so hard to just sit with an older person after surgery or in a nursing home and just say nothing. I've started to realize that it's hard for some of them to talk, and some of them want to know all about me and some just want me to be there. Silence is such a skill...........