How Long is Too Long to Grieve?

Is there some magic amount of time to grieve - a death, the break up of a relationship, the break up of a family, loss of a job, financial downturns, loss of a pet? - you get the idea.  I'm talking about grief and loss, hurting, struggling, pain, sadness, anger.  How long does it take to 'get over' someone or something?  Would it be helpful for you to know that "grief takes as long as it takes?"  I often have people ask me what is a normal time to grieve this.....???  And I tell them what I just told you...there is not a formula for grieving.  Certainly there is experience and  there are coping skills, but I always get concerned when I hear someone say, 'well, when you lose a spouse, it usually takes ____ years!  I'm wondering - 'how do they know that?' 

The length of the grieving process is as variable as the number of people who experience loss and the number of losses one has experienced.  It often depends on the nature of the loss, whether or not someone is experiencing multiple losses, the willingness of those grieving to do their 'grief work,' and the willingness of family members and friends to give each other permission to grieve and to accept that there are no shortcuts to the process of grief.

In the past, some would say that the griever must keep a 'stiff upper lip.'  Part of the Christian message is that we certainly grieve, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope.  Grief does not express a lack of faith in God; instead it can lead us to a deeper understanding of our faith, our need for God, and His promise that He will be with us in the midst of our pain and grief - that He will never leave us nor forsake us.

Remember, grief takes as long as it takes - as you embark upon your own journey of grief, remember that God wants to comfort you during the process!

Comments

[Marcia]

Thank you Barb for these insightful and freeing words. It seems when people, including myself, know that there is no prescribed timeline in which grief must happens, it frees the process to take its natural and purposeful course. Almost like removing the pressure to "hurry up and get over it" frees me to fully feel the pain and move through it. Maybe it's important if someone is feeling rushed or sensing an impulse to want to rush another through grief to ask themselves why and whose purpose it serves.
On the flip side, I am wondering if it is not possible for people to get stuck in a stage of grief in an unhealthy manner and need help moving through that particular spot. For example, a person who has experienced loss and is extremely angry about that loss and moves into a stagnant bitterness. How might someone come along side them and, rather than rush them, help them move towards sadness, or releasing the anger, or forgiveness?

[Mei An]

Barb, your statement, "I'm talking about grief and loss, hurting, struggling, pain, sadness, anger," drove like an arrow to my heart! Sometimes the relationship between anger and grief gets lost in my own reaction to someone else's angry behavior. The person I want most to understand and love I push away by failing to check my emotions - as in, check my coat at the cloak room - and by forgetting to pull back and observe. Instead of asking, "Is there a long-ago loss or a hurt I can't see?" I get all tangled up in my own response. Thank you for the reminder.

Marcia, your comment, "How might someone come along side them and, rather than rush them, help them move towards sadness, or releasing the anger, or forgiveness?" reflects a quiet, not-bristly, companionship on the journey. I'm waiting for Barb's answer on your question, too.

[Tia]

I am grieving the loss of my son. He was born prematurely and died within a couple of hours. This is my second miscarriage at around the 24 week mark.

My husband is being a great support despite his own grief. I would answer Bar's question as this: When someone is grieving take the time to listen, take cues from them, if they have possible needs you could help with and understand that "first time" things can be difficult such as a first birthday, a first Christmas, for me the first time today putting on my "non-maternity clothes" was hard and very difficult. Some times being a silent friend, who offers simply the gift of companionship and comfort is all a person needs. Not someone who tries to "make sense" of the situation or thinks for them or tries to be helpful by pointing out that other people have problems too and to be grateful it's not worse. Grief needs a voice and the louder that voice is allowed to speak the quicker the healing begins. Lastly it's also important to allow the person to move on, if they no longer wish to "grieve" and want to do something "normal" that's okay too -the next day they might be back to square on but small steps to normality are important, cooking dinner, going out, getting nails and hair done all these things help in moving on. In the same way it is unhealthy to not allow someone to grieve it is also unhealthy to keep someone in a place of grief when they are ready to let go and often moving beyond grief without guilt is the bit people find the hardest.

Not sure if that helps but I speak from my own experience and I look forward to Bar's contribution. Bar this has been a help to read. Thank you.